A recent article by Computerworld reduced the much more newsworthy piece on the April 11th oil spill from the New York times down to the headline “Tech worker testifies of ‘blue screen of death’ on oil rig’s computer”.  My favorite quote from the whole piece is what I call the ‘insinuator’:

Microsoft declined to comment on Williams’ testimony and characterization of the crash screen. Transocean did not respond to e-mail seeking comment.

I realize that you may find this a grave thing; and because of you I have decided I can no longer remain silent. Now, in front of God and the American people, I would like to say that I know information about this oil spill. Yes folks! That’s right. I know what was really to blame!

During the trip I made to the oil rig on the day of the disaster I noticed[!!!] that the Dell PC’s USB drive didn’t work.

And the Seagate hard drive was making a clicking noise. And the Intel CPU was overheating. And the Logitech mouse was dropped in a cup of Campbell’s soup. And the Home Depot door let through a draft. And the government inspected power lines were covered with bird poop. And the Portland Cement was cracking. And the ocean water was cold, suspiciously similar to the chill one gets from standing in front of an open, Maytag refrigerator. And the Morningstar Farms bacon strips were burnt that morning. And the only music playing on the XM radio station was “I’ve got you, Babe” by Sonny and Cher. And half the crew’s Abercrombie and Fitch socks hadn’t dried in time to wear in the morning. And the birds protected by PETA were raucously cawing. And despite a constant use of the Honeywell Air Filteration system, the air was still particularly salty. And Pizza Hut refused to deliver to the rig. And somebody stepped in some Trident gum that had been carelessly discarded after the director’s particularly laborious morning staff meeting during which he would make long and convoluted diagrams on the 3M whiteboard with Expo markers. And the GE lightbulbs weren’t bright enough, I mean they weren’t dim, but it kind of made your eyes strain a bit which is really annoying. And the Target wicker basket that they kept the Golf Digest magazines in was starting to crack. And the Scott brand toilet tissue, while immensely affordable, was never really as enjoyably used as others. And Amazon charges too much for shipping out of the continental US.

There, I’ve said my peace. I hope that people heed my words and find these companies legally responsible, financially obligated, and morally reprehensible for their contribution and fault in this tragic incident. I also pray that my Acme whistle-blowing will not fall on deaf ears.

(For legal purposes, let me assure you that I own none of these company’s trademarked information. Just assume every single word and phrase combination in this entire post is followed by a trademark/copyright/poundsign/upsidedowncross or whatever else you need to signify ownership and that the aforementioned phrases are the property of whatever company claimed them in the first place. Phooey.)